If I only knew then...

As a new mom, I was lucky enough to have a group of 8 friends who all gave birth around the same time as I did. The wisdom that has been shared is priceless. I hope some of these tips help the new/soon to be moms who read this blog. They are in no particular order. Feel free to add more in the comment section:

1. Surround yourself with as many moms who have a baby in the same general age range (give or take 3 months) as you. Talk and email with them often. Share stories, pains, frustrations and joys. It truly does take a village.

2. The Three Week Growth Spurt – why is my baby eating every hour? Am I not making enough milk? Nope. It’s the three-week growth spurt. It’ll last for 24-36 hours. It will be hell, but there is nothing wrong. Your little one is growing. Fill your water bottle and pop in a movie. It's going to be an exhausting few days, but you'll get through it.

3. Do whatever you need to do to get sleep as a family – even if you swore it all off before having the baby, no one will (or should) give you any crap for changing your mind. Co-sleeping isn’t the answer for everyone, but it can work if you need & want it to.

4. Breastfeeding is natural – but it doesn’t always come easy. Seek help. Talk to other moms, lactation consultants, whomever. But talk and ask questions.

5. Pumping is so easy, but so hard. Make sure you have the right equipment. Ask people how to do it. The best shortcut I learned – take a cheap sports bra and cut holes in it to hold the phalanges in place to go hands-free.

6. There is nothing wrong with formula supplements. Or full-time formula. You need to do what is best for you and your family. Don’t do one thing or another just because someone tells you that you should. I personally chose breast feeding because I felt it was best for my daughter and that I could and wanted to do it. There is too much stress and guilt placed on moms to add another thing to the list.

7. Don’t read too much. There is so much information out there – you can find something about everything. Read enough, but trust your instincts. We’ve been doing this for thousands of years before books came along.

8. If it doesn’t work the first time, try it again. And again, and again. Swaddling – Sophia hated it. Till she couldn’t sleep with out it. Food. Avocados = bleahh. Until she liked them.

9. Everything your baby does will affect you 10x more when you’re exhausted. Take a breath (or a shower) and it’ll be ok.

9.5 Try to get a shower in every 24 hours. You may not feel like you have time/energy for it. But trust me - you will feel better. And your baby will be fine sitting in his vibrating chair or swing.

10. Just when you think you have a schedule or pattern set, it changes. Teething. Brain development. Time change. Just go with it.

10.5 Don't be afraid to ask for help. From your husband, your mother, your mother-in-law, best friend, neighbor. You can do it all by yourself, but you'll be better off if you don't. This was the hardest one for me.

11. Get outside as much as you can with your baby. Fresh air is amazing for both of you. You can bundle them (& you) for the cold. Trust me, it’ll do wonders for your sanity.

11.5 Learn to prioritize, make lists and be efficient. If only babies held up a little flag saying "I'm going to sleep now for 45 minutes, so don't start anything big" or "I'm in for a 2 hour nap, so relax and enjoy yourself". But they don't. So make the most of the time you think you have. I found I have such mommy brain - I'll start 5 different tasks and finish none of them before Sophia wakes up. I have to manually force myself to figure out which is most important and then finish it before walking to another room (Kind of like the dogs in "Up" - blah blah blah - SQUIRREL!)

12. You will never be a perfect mom. Or dad. Just be the best you can – the spectrum of what is “right” for your baby is huge. The area of what is “wrong” is so very small and obvious. Go with what works for you and your family.

13. You never, ever expected poop to be such a conversation piece: descriptive emails, subject headers and phone calls discussing the subject extensively. But hey, you gotta talk about it.

13.5 Try to ignore the percentiles and comparisons. We all get caught up someway or another in it. People will constantly assess your baby's height/weight/hair. Generally these people have no clue or memory of what a baby is "supposed" to be at that age anyway. And even if they do know, if they're not your doctor, ignore them.

14. Trust your baby's father. He may not have given birth to your baby, but assuming you love and trust him enough to be in your life, he will manage to keep your child clean, safe and fed. He may not do it the way you'd do it. But the end result will be the same.

15. Take time for yourself. Physically and mentally. Your body went through hell giving birth (whether natural, with medication or a c-section). You are obviously very focused on caring for your child, but don't forget about you. If you're not in top form, you won't be able to be the best for your child. Take that yoga class. Call your girlfriends to talk. Go to a movie. Have a glass of wine.

So, what do you do all day?

I know this blog is mostly about Sophia's development and fun pictures. This post is a little different, but still very much encompasses how Sophia is growing, learning and developing. This response was triggered by an interesting commentary I just picked up online from the Washington Post:

When I graduated college and started working, I was excited to be a part of that world. It was fun, different and exciting. I worked in advertising and for those of you Mad Men fans, it wasn't that far off: The pay was crap, but there were lots of perks to make up for the crappy pay and long hours: food, travel, expense accounts and great clients! (well, mine was at least.) Someone asked me what I thought about having children. At that point in my life, a child was the furthest thing from my mind. I suppose if I had one, I'd take my 3 months then jump right back in where I'd left off. After all, how attached could you get to someone in just 3 months?

As people in my office began having children, I was someone resentful. After all, I was at the bottom of the totem pole, so if they had to leave early to (insert appropriate "excuse") pick up the child from daycare, work from home because the child was sick, go coach a t-ball game, etc, I was stuck carrying the load. Sure. Throw it on the single 20-something who clearly had nothing better to do than wait for Traffic to tell me that the creatives hadn't finished the edits yet.

Then, some of my friends started to have children. Not many, but just enough that they were more a part of my life on a regular basis. I saw the ebb and flow in my friendships and I'm sure, had a few choice phrases about why my friend was no longer able to "keep up" with her part of the friendship. I mean, wasn't she up at 11pm feeding anyway? Why not just shoot me an email response? And if her child wasn't sleeping, well, clearly she was probably coddling the child. Just let 'em cry it out for goodness sake!

Fast forward almost 10 years and I now get it. I'm not saying that you have to have a child to understand it, but you have to have them in your life on a regular & constant basis (friend, sister, big Italian family, etc) to understand that while we're at home with our children, it is about them. Your needs come when you can get to them. I don't care if you stay home full time or if you are working part or full time while being a mom - (sorry dads, I know there are dads who are the primary caregivers and you are included in this!) it is a feat unlike anything you've ever accomplished in your life. As the woman in the article puts it: take what used to require 15 minutes to accomplish and tack on an additional 30 minutes to really make it happen.

I have a good friend who tells me she isn't ready for kids because she's still got a lot left on her list. And you know what I tell her: go for it. Tick off as many things as you can now. Not because you can't do it when you have kids, you most certainly can. But it will be different. Because if you want to fly across country to race, you can. It just requires a hell of a lot more planning (and stuff!) The days of showing up to the airport 20 minutes before the flight with a backpack and water bottle for a weekend are long gone. But if you plan it right, you can still do it.

And as for me time, it's still there. I am a firm believer that if you don't take some time for yourself, you will crumble. Emotionally, physically and psychologically. But as this column states, we are much more stingy with the "me" time. That's not to say we can't hold up our end of friendships - that's a cop out. But the definition and execution of friendships has to evolve. My outlet is exercising. I used to go out on 5-6 hour bike rides and hour long runs with a nice stretch and shower afterward. I still get out on my runs. They may not be as long, but they are just as sweet. And Dave makes sure that I get my stretching time in afterward. But I know Sophia's waiting there for her mom to focus back on her. And as for the biking, it's pretty much on the shelf for this year. I'll get out a few times for a few hours, but logistically, it's a little too much commitment. But that's ok. I'm not abandoning it. I'll be back when it makes sense. And my bike will be there.

I have every intention of incorporating as much of my "former" life into this new life with Sophia. It's how she'll learn and grow into a strong, independent woman. We've already done a cross country visit taking nothing but carry on by ourselves (no Dave!). But my best friend on the other end had everything we didn't bring - pack n play, extra clothes, stroller, etc. And next Spring, I have no doubt that Sophia will be sitting behind me on the bike as we head around town to do errands.

Everything changes and evolves. And I couldn't love it more.