The Thick of it...

There has been a very popular blog entry going around recently called "The Sweet Spot" - if you haven't had a chance to read it you should. I teared up when I read it, hiding behind my sunglasses staring at my phone. It's beautiful, wonderful and, some place I feel very VERY far away from. Especially these past two weeks.

If you didn't know, Sophia is 3.5. 3.5 going on 4. Or 14. Somedays I can't tell (Most mothers of teenagers tell me it's definitely 4 because she hasn't started to slam doors yet. Sigh...) I've known of the 3.5s grossly outkicking the drama of the "terrible two's" - I'll say for us, the terrible two's weren't really terrible at all. In fact, for the most part, I didn't notice them.

But 3.5. Oh my. It's. Kicking. My. Ass.

Sophia and I have had more knock down, drag out matches in the past two weeks than I think we've had throughout her entire time on earth. Sometimes, starting first thing in the morning. Or, my favorite, right when I walk in the door from work. And then, of course, the "I don't want to go to bed" ones. (I really do understand the "Just go the F*&% to sleep" book now more than ever.)

It's an emotional rollercoaster. In other relationship space in life (boyfriend, sibling, parent, etc.), friends would either a) Run an intervention for you or b) get you a lawyer. But here, all we can do is commiserate about the verbal and emotional wearing down, tactics for survival and, find the occasional joy in sharing the future for happy mothers of newborns. (Who, no doubt, are thinking the same thing as I did when Sophia was 1 - my kid will NEVER act like that. HA..)

My personal favorite was this interaction early one morning last week:
Me: "Sophia - time to go potty - your pee pee needs to go to the pool!" (A tactic we've had to employ up one wake up, otherwise this child will seriously hold her pee from 8pm thru 10am. My bladder hurts thinking about it).
Sophia: "Ok"  - heads to bathroom and stares at the toilet like it's a foreign object, not something she's been intimately connected with for the past year.
Me: "Pull down your undies and pants and hop up"
Sophia: "Mamamama - I CAN'T. It's soooo HAAARD!"
Me: "You can do it. Just hook your thumbs around the fabric and bend down."
Sophia: "It's TOO HARD!!"
Me: "Seriously?"

So...yeah. My other favorite is that "My legs aren't working right. I keep slipping" as she throws her body to the floor. One might appear concerned with this one, except that it mirrors Theo's new walking style.

But we'll get through it. And into the Sweet Spot soon enough. Luckily, I am rewarded with a few of these magic moments:

Hunting for Airplanes in the Rain

Sleep -

The title says it all. Sleep. We all want more of it. For ourselves. For our babies.
It is one of my top 3 topics discussed with other moms (the other two being food and poop. Yup, bodily functions haven't had this much air time since a 10th grade boys locker room.)

With Sophia, we've been really lucky, on the sleep front. She's a good overall sleeper. She has her moments, as do all babies, but all in all, we've been able to count on a good overnight sleep from her from fairly early on. We have our hiccups, for sure, like anyone else. We just try to roll through them. I find they definitely affect me more if I'm overtired.

I often felt guilty admitting this to people. It's definitely something I don't offer up unless I'm asked about it.
Because, you see, misery tends to love company. I was in Target once when Sophia was about 4 months old. Another mom came over to me and struck up a conversation (she was holding a child who was similar in age to Sophia). Her first question was about how Sophia was sleeping. I responded with my usual - "She's a really good sleeper. We're very lucky. We know it can change at any point, but we'll take it." Her response "Oh. I can't stand people like you. Must be nice."

Um hello? You asked the question!

I remember attending sleep discussions and reading about them nauseum in the beginning. I wanted to "learn the trick" to creating a good sleeper. I kept getting frustrated as everything I read or everyone I talked to would caveat it with "Every child is different." I know that. In my sane, rational self, I knew there was no blanket answer. But I wanted one. So I decided to create my own. That works. For my daughter.
I think moms can have the most success supporting each other, not dragging each other down into their own hell. So give it a shot. Add your own. The more info the merrier.

Here are some of the best tips and tricks I learned. Some may work for others. Some may not. Give it a shot. And some of these may work better at different ages. For the first 3 months just go with whatever works the best and gets everyone the most sleep.

1) Consistency. There is really something to be said for this. Babies do really enjoy a routine. It makes life easier for them when they have a general idea of what's coming. Try and stick to a schedule give or take 30 minutes.

1a) Be flexible. Seems contradictory to #1, but it's true. Not every day is going to be exactly the same as before (at least, not without going crazy). Maybe you get stuck in traffic. Maybe your friend is in town and you want lunch together. Don't worry, you'll figure it out. And one day here and there isn't going to blow the whole thing up.

2) Offer sleep every 1.5 to 2 hours. This one was a lifesaver for us through the first 6 months of Sophia's life. Studies have shown that babies can't really comfortably stay awake for much longer than that. I was a slave to the clock, but I also learned to read her signs. Eye rubbing, yawning and general crankiness were sure fire signs.

2.5) The Ab Ball. I don't think Sophia would have napped or slept without us bouncing her on this in the beginning. Actually, for probably close to the first 4 months. About 10 minutes before I suspected it was time for nap or sleep, we would go to the ball and bounce our little hearts out. Dave was the master at it and my mom even got into it. It bounces and soothes at such a motion that is next to impossible to gain while standing. Just make sure it's pumped up well or your lower back will start to hurt.

3) Swaddle. The swaddle worked like a charm for the first 5.5 months. We used a Kiddopotamus version (velcro included). Sophia would constantly whap herself in the face otherwise. It made everyone much happier at night.

3a) Consider co-sleeping. This worked really well for us in the beginning. Again, not for everyone and not the answer to everyone's problems. The AAP recommends against it, mostly in the case if you have a substance abuse problem that would lead you to possibly roll over your child at night. Assuming that you're not a heavy sleeper (or your partner) it can work. Just make your bed a safe bed (watch blankets, walls, etc.) We had Sophia in bed with us for the first 6 weeks before transitioning her to her crib.

3b) The swing is your friend. Sophia lived in the swing for naps throughout the day until about 5 months. It was a lifesaver for us. We could leave her in the middle of the living room happily swinging away for long periods of time.

4) White noise. We still use this. We might not even need it now, but it's become part of the routine. I downloaded a track from iTunes and hooked it into a iHome that plays on repeat throughout the night. It definitely blocks out loud noises from the city street and most in-house hullabaloo. (In the beginning, we ran the hairdryer to get her to fall asleep if she was really fussing!)

5) Bedtime routine. We have a fairly consistent routine for bed: (at almost 9 months). Eat "dinner" solids around 6, followed by a bath, a bottle and some books. Then it's into the sleeping bag, followed by a quick rock in the chair and into the crib. Sophia still whines a little when we're putting her down at night, but after 5-10 minutes, she generally settles right down.
(See earlier posts on sleep training. Everyone has their opinion, method or thoughts on this. Ferber worked for us. It's not for everyone. Go with your gut).

6) Naps promote good nighttime sleep. When Sophia has good naps during the day, she sleeps better at night. We do a mini-bedtime routine for naps. Morning nap is always the first to develop and afternoon comes later. We just recently reduced Sophia from 3 naps/day to 2.

7) 2-3-4 rule. I got this from one of my friend's sister. It seems to generally apply to babies 7+ months. We started this with Sophia in the past week or so. First nap happens 2 hours after wake up. Second nap is three hours after wake up from first nap. Bedtime happens 4 hours after second nap wake up. Some days it works. Others it doesn't. We'll keep plugging at it.

8) When in doubt - go for a walk. Fresh air, stroller movement, Bjorn (especially when they're little) is a lifesaver for creating naps. And you get the added benefit of fresh air and human interaction.

9) Or go for a ride in the car. I tried to time my longer trips around Sophia's nap schedule so that she'd conk out for most of the ride.

10) Be patient. Just when you think you've got it down, teething or growth spurt or just neural development happens. And it can throw you and your baby for a loop. I remember Sophia waking up at 2am a few nights in a row right around her 6 month birthday. She wasn't crying, just whining. When we came in - she was completely rotated in her crib and was so excited to show us her new "tricks!" You can literally hear the neurons connecting in her brain!!

Moms? Any other sleepy tips or tricks that work?

If I only knew then...

As a new mom, I was lucky enough to have a group of 8 friends who all gave birth around the same time as I did. The wisdom that has been shared is priceless. I hope some of these tips help the new/soon to be moms who read this blog. They are in no particular order. Feel free to add more in the comment section:

1. Surround yourself with as many moms who have a baby in the same general age range (give or take 3 months) as you. Talk and email with them often. Share stories, pains, frustrations and joys. It truly does take a village.

2. The Three Week Growth Spurt – why is my baby eating every hour? Am I not making enough milk? Nope. It’s the three-week growth spurt. It’ll last for 24-36 hours. It will be hell, but there is nothing wrong. Your little one is growing. Fill your water bottle and pop in a movie. It's going to be an exhausting few days, but you'll get through it.

3. Do whatever you need to do to get sleep as a family – even if you swore it all off before having the baby, no one will (or should) give you any crap for changing your mind. Co-sleeping isn’t the answer for everyone, but it can work if you need & want it to.

4. Breastfeeding is natural – but it doesn’t always come easy. Seek help. Talk to other moms, lactation consultants, whomever. But talk and ask questions.

5. Pumping is so easy, but so hard. Make sure you have the right equipment. Ask people how to do it. The best shortcut I learned – take a cheap sports bra and cut holes in it to hold the phalanges in place to go hands-free.

6. There is nothing wrong with formula supplements. Or full-time formula. You need to do what is best for you and your family. Don’t do one thing or another just because someone tells you that you should. I personally chose breast feeding because I felt it was best for my daughter and that I could and wanted to do it. There is too much stress and guilt placed on moms to add another thing to the list.

7. Don’t read too much. There is so much information out there – you can find something about everything. Read enough, but trust your instincts. We’ve been doing this for thousands of years before books came along.

8. If it doesn’t work the first time, try it again. And again, and again. Swaddling – Sophia hated it. Till she couldn’t sleep with out it. Food. Avocados = bleahh. Until she liked them.

9. Everything your baby does will affect you 10x more when you’re exhausted. Take a breath (or a shower) and it’ll be ok.

9.5 Try to get a shower in every 24 hours. You may not feel like you have time/energy for it. But trust me - you will feel better. And your baby will be fine sitting in his vibrating chair or swing.

10. Just when you think you have a schedule or pattern set, it changes. Teething. Brain development. Time change. Just go with it.

10.5 Don't be afraid to ask for help. From your husband, your mother, your mother-in-law, best friend, neighbor. You can do it all by yourself, but you'll be better off if you don't. This was the hardest one for me.

11. Get outside as much as you can with your baby. Fresh air is amazing for both of you. You can bundle them (& you) for the cold. Trust me, it’ll do wonders for your sanity.

11.5 Learn to prioritize, make lists and be efficient. If only babies held up a little flag saying "I'm going to sleep now for 45 minutes, so don't start anything big" or "I'm in for a 2 hour nap, so relax and enjoy yourself". But they don't. So make the most of the time you think you have. I found I have such mommy brain - I'll start 5 different tasks and finish none of them before Sophia wakes up. I have to manually force myself to figure out which is most important and then finish it before walking to another room (Kind of like the dogs in "Up" - blah blah blah - SQUIRREL!)

12. You will never be a perfect mom. Or dad. Just be the best you can – the spectrum of what is “right” for your baby is huge. The area of what is “wrong” is so very small and obvious. Go with what works for you and your family.

13. You never, ever expected poop to be such a conversation piece: descriptive emails, subject headers and phone calls discussing the subject extensively. But hey, you gotta talk about it.

13.5 Try to ignore the percentiles and comparisons. We all get caught up someway or another in it. People will constantly assess your baby's height/weight/hair. Generally these people have no clue or memory of what a baby is "supposed" to be at that age anyway. And even if they do know, if they're not your doctor, ignore them.

14. Trust your baby's father. He may not have given birth to your baby, but assuming you love and trust him enough to be in your life, he will manage to keep your child clean, safe and fed. He may not do it the way you'd do it. But the end result will be the same.

15. Take time for yourself. Physically and mentally. Your body went through hell giving birth (whether natural, with medication or a c-section). You are obviously very focused on caring for your child, but don't forget about you. If you're not in top form, you won't be able to be the best for your child. Take that yoga class. Call your girlfriends to talk. Go to a movie. Have a glass of wine.